Comments on: 7 Ways to Avoid Getting Called a Dependa

By: Suzy

Suzy — Wed, 03 Dec 2025 20:16:56 +0000

In reply to TG Brown.

Yes, but did you really hear your DIL’s honest take on military life? I’m sure she tells her own mom how tough it is.

Where was she stationed, though? It depends on the location, doesn’t it?
Typically, Marine Corps are stationed in more urban, civilized areas than the Air Force.
Air Force in Idaho and New Mexico? There’s nothing around. No jobs, no supermarkets, nothing.
Also, what if you’re stationed overseas? Most people I know could only get a job within the base.
Sometimes you can only work as a daycare caregiver, having nothing to do with your college or grad school degree!

Did she have kids at that time?
I had extreme difficulty finishing grad school and taking care of a baby while my husband was deployed.
I even apologized to the school to extend it. It was one of the most stressful times of my life.

By: Josef

Josef — Mon, 03 Feb 2025 14:30:10 +0000

I’m flabbergasted that anyone needed to be told these things. It seems like common sense to a normal person. What kind of a horrible upbring does someone need to have to violate these rules in the first place? You could have summed up the entire thing in two words: act respectable.

By: Laura Evans Serna

Laura Evans Serna — Thu, 23 May 2024 15:38:17 +0000

The advice to do something with your time is a bit much. I’ve been a military spouse for 22 years. I’ve quit so many jobs I loved to follow my spouse. Whether people acknowledge it or not, my flexibility as a spouse has absolutely 100% enabled my husband to attend to the mission. Stable marriages and supportive proud spouses do help missions. A lot of what a “dependa” seems to be is just supportive and proud and a person who has not yet found a job after her 9th move.
Also…after 22 years you start to realize how badly you can get treated if you don’t fight for yourself. Civilians keep their housing and doctors and friends. It is crazy how men and active duty who stand up to the system are admired. Spouses are seen as irrational and needy for doing things like demanding basic services you are supposed to get.

By: Mykki

Mykki — Wed, 27 Mar 2024 04:02:51 +0000

The sad reality is that a lot of Facebook groups DO still bandy about the term dependa and attack/bully each other over things that don’t even deserve that label.

Now, the officer’s wife who shows up at an office somewhere on post and demands to speak to so-so by using her husband’s rank to get preferential treatment? Dependa.

Let’s be honest – it’s just the military version of a Karen.

By: Cynthia M.

Cynthia M. — Tue, 22 Aug 2023 17:59:44 +0000

In reply to Ruth.

I’m not in the military and just Googled this term because I just heard it and wanted to know what it means. I’m appalled that military wives have to ask each other for used baby clothes and food donations. Why isn’t the government providing enough for you to buy these things? Why are you forced to squabble over scraps? Why don’t ya’ll have decent housing? It makes me sad that “dependa” is a thing, but also that it sounds like the base is a hell scape.

By: Thomas

Thomas — Sat, 18 Feb 2023 02:19:49 +0000

In reply to Hannah Silverman.

Everything she wrote are very good tips. If you were labeled as a Dependa in the past, I can assure you it was NOT because you did all these things. It was because you likely violated #4 about drama. And judging from your willingness to quickly throw out the misogyny term and blasting her for tearing someone down just for mentioning a term you dislike, while tearing her down, I think this label paints itself.
I love the attacks on the author here though. It just keeps proving my point that it is usually not MEN that are keeping women from achieving things. It is other women who are quick to grab you and pull you back down into their miserable lives in hopes of never seeing another woman get ahead. Plenty of people here have shown us all that very thing yet again.

By: Anthony Ernst

Anthony Ernst — Sun, 20 Nov 2022 02:03:52 +0000

Although some of this in good info, it’s really just stereotypical and written really hostilely for some reason – probably by someone who isn’t a dependent and doesn’t need to comment on it.

By: Steel Simmons

Steel Simmons — Tue, 08 Nov 2022 16:58:24 +0000

This definitely sounds like something written to someone that buys into idea of certain stereotypes and ends up being a military spouse thinking it’s all about the benefits.
I’ve noticed they typically haven’t had more than 2 kids, been through combat zone deployment, or grew up with extended family that requires bargaining.
What’s stated are similar unwritten rules I remember learning as kid.
How ever the rank issue can come out in combat deployment and certain responsibilities that still fall on a spouse related to rank.
Sadly, even working part time in engineering and raising 3 kids, I have got taunted by certain family members and people that talk so pro-military in public, but have accused me of being a “dependa” . They were usually divorced multiple times and/or wouldn’t even know how make near 6 figures on their own.
That’s why I either put them in their place if I have to deal with them or avoid them if possible.

By: Lizann

Lizann — Wed, 27 Jul 2022 14:04:40 +0000

In reply to Hannah Silverman.

That’s fair, I appreciate your perspective. I believe we can do both: teach people to uplift instead of bullying AND ALSO help women feel more confident and independent, so they won’t be as hurt if other people judge or call names.

By: Hannah Silverman

Hannah Silverman — Wed, 27 Jul 2022 12:38:16 +0000

In reply to sarahm.

I agreed with you until you listed reasons on how to avoid being called a dependa. Who cares if you brag about your spouse or you’re a stay at home mom? The issue is systemic misogyny and the term is used to women down. You could do all of the items that you listed to not be a dependa and you will still get called one. We should start with teaching people how to uplift each other rather than use these toxic insults. You listing how to avoid being called one is just as bad.