I’m so sorry to hear you’re in this situation, but thank you for opening up about your experience here. You’re right, that withdrawl and emotional shutdown can happen with either party.

Deployment causes pain and scars for everyone. The coping mechanisms that get you through deployment don’t always contribute to a healthy relationship. 🙁

Sounds like your wife built up walls and is having trouble feeling vulnerable and close again after being alone for so long. If both parties want to stay together, marriage can definitely be saved. It might take time, counseling, and work. Please seek out support from counselors or from Military OneSource, and encourage your wife to find a person or counselor she can vent to as well.

I have explicitly stated that I love her and grasp for her affection but are left damn near in tears and trying to hold it together in front of my kids. Breaking down horribly once alone, yes a big man cries especially when his soul-mate and best friend are basic casualties of a deployment. I NEVER thought that I would return to this type of environment where I don’t fit in and don’t have the love and support from my partner.
In my long note about my feelings I asked a simple question and even got the courage to ask her. Does she still want to be a couple and does she still love me. She couldn’t answer and that damn near crushed me at that second. We still kiss every once in while and say I love you, but it’s not the same, and I’m so afraid that this deployment has cost me the ONLY thing that I ever cared about. My family, my wife, and my life.

I’m not sure what to do, is waiting the best option or should we try and keep talking. Everything is my fault and I fully admit it. I re-upped to keep tricare as our insurance and then this deployment happened. If I knew what I knew now I would have cut off a freaking limb to stay back. The possible cost of this deployment was not worth it. I’m a family man and every damn second I was away I wanted to be back with my family.

I’m not sure why I’m even posting here but I have NO support now without my wife, she/is my best friend and my support. I’m afraid right now I lost that.

That sounds very sad and difficult for him. Legally, I don’t believe she can file divorce while he is deployed, so he has this time to think it through, make a plan, organize accounts, and talk to lawyers at the base legal office. (May need to contact the office where he was stationed, not the deployment location.) He can also talk to a chaplain to discuss some of this frustration and disappointment.

Hi Becky, some people change more than others, so it isn’t automatic and service members often don’t realize it right away.
It’s not just about the location. It’s a completely immersive experience–leaving family, friends, country, and everything familiar behind. Being away from all that causes some people to change, others to reflect on things more, and still others to be angry. Plus, being surrounded by another culture and numerous injustices can leave a lasting impression on someone–for better or worse.
I did not understand or expect this during my husband’s first few deployments to Iraq, and the military wasn’t discussing PTSD at that time. But now we know and understand much more, so I wish there was more of this discussion with family and loved ones.

Honestly if he’s on break- I would let him decided what he wants to do and not force anything or cause any drama (whether his mom is in the right or wrong). He definitely doesn’t want to deal with any of that while he’s supposed to be decompressing. I would try to go with the flow- and steal 30 min- hour away by yourselves each day. Whether it’s a walk around his parents neighborhood/ property, running an errand together and stopping for coffee and maybe plan one date type thing and let him know you want to do that and pick a day together. Once you’re married – and he’s not in the middle of a deployment- then I would bring up boundaries with in laws. Enjoy the time together!

What you’re feeling is unfortunately common and somewhat normal. Changing routines is a type of stress, and takes you through all the stages of anxiety, even when the change is for a good reason. Seek ways to reduce your stress, discuss routines with your husband, and make sure you have people to talk to during this time of adjustment. Be patient with your husband and yourself, you’ll get into a more comfortable mental state soon,but it doesn’t happen the next day.