How to Handle Your First Deployment as a Military Spouse or Significant Other
The first day of my husband’s first deployment, I cried most of the day. The first deployment is terrifying and intimidating, whether you are dating a service member or married to one. It doesn’t matter if they are going into combat or to a relatively safe location– this is going to be a challenging and emotional time for you. But I also know that you can survive it! So take a deep breath and read on.
What to expect during your first deployment
The worst part about preparing for deployment is not knowing anything. You don’t realize that the stress and turmoil begins during the work-ups–months before the deployment itself. You don’t know what to expect from this huge change in your life. And it’s hard to imagine life with your loved one in another country. So I’ll be honest with you; yes, some parts will be very hard. The more you know, the easier it is to handle the deployment.
Limited communication: One of the biggest challenges and surprises of deployment is that there can be days or weeks without communication. Most of us are used to phone calls, texts, and Facetime almost every day. That is literally impossible in some deployment locations. In fact, we usually suspend my husband’s cell phone plan the entire deployment to save money. When he gets to an area with Wi-Fi, he is able to contact me, but communication is generally one-sided: I can’t contact him. That means lots of time waiting for late-night calls, emails, or Skype invites. It means always listening for the phone to ring, and making sure the battery never dies. The pain and guilt of a missed phone call during deployment is heartbreaking.
Learn more about what to expect from deployments from my 28-page Ultimate Deployment Guide!
Ups and downs: There will be good days and bad days. You aren’t going to lay in bed and cry every day they are gone… but there might be some nights where everything hits you at once and that’s exactly what happens. It’s ok, and it’s perfectly normal. There will be other days where you figure things out on your own, try new things, and feel totally strong and amazing! That’s normal too. Just ride out the low points because you know those good moments will come, too.
“Deployment will have good days and bad days. That’s normal, so just ride them out.” ~The Seasoned Spouse
Boredom or Loneliness: If you are used to spending almost every day with your loved one, then deployment is a huge lifestyle change. Even if you have a job, college classes, a pet or kids, there will be quiet moments where you just feel completely lonely and bored. There are great ways to get through this (more about that in a minute), so just expect it ahead of time and know some strategies that will work for you.
Exhaustion: Deployment is mentally and emotionally draining. It’s hard to describe, but the constant strain of worrying about your loved one, hoping for a phone call, and trying to solve all life’s problems on your own is incredibly hard. This weight can build up slowly so we don’t realize how much we are carrying, but it can be enough to break you if you aren’t careful. You have to take care of yourself during deployment–get enough sleep, eat nourishing food, have healthy friendships and enjoyable hobbies. Self-care doesn’t have to be a manicure or a shopping spree, but building time for own needs every day is what will keep you going through the marathon of deployment.
What to expect from the 1st deployment... and how to get through it. #milso #milspouse Share on X
Reasons you will rock your first deployment!
Despite all those challenges, I also know that you are going to do an amazing job of getting through this deployment! How do I know? Because I have been through seven of them myself. With every deployment, I meet new spouses and girlfriends who are experiencing it for the first time. And every time, those newcomers have amazed me with their strength, creativity, and ability to pull through the challenges of deployment. I know strong spouses who have been pregnant, moved houses, delivered babies, and survived natural disasters during deployment. We have all found ways of solving problems like car trouble, crashed computers, and sick kids. If thousands of other girlfriends, fiancees, and spouses can do this, then you can, too! Here’s why:
You aren’t alone. Whether you are living near a base or back home with family, you are surrounded by an online community of thousands of military spouses. Most of us have faced a deployment before. Read sites like this one (I have lots of deployment tips!) or read books written by military spouses. (Here are some of my favorites.) Find a military spouse friend you can call or text when you are having a bad day. Do NOT try to get through this alone–no one is that strong! If you tap into the military community, you will find lots of sympathy and support.
Technology is awesome. Even though it makes me sound old, I will say this–technology has made deployments easier. The first several times my husband deployed, we couldn’t talk on the phone for months. We could only send letters. I printed out pictures of the kids to send to him. Now times have changed. Email is available in most deployment locations. Wi-Fi at certain bases and ports makes Skype or Facetime possible more frequently. Find the apps or communication style that work for you, and those shared moments will make deployment pass more quickly.
Here is how you're going to get through your first deployment #milso #milspouse Share on XYou will stay busy. Everyone’s number one advice during deployment is to stay busy. ‘Staying busy’ looks different for each person, but the truth is you are going to find a way to fill the time. For some people, just taking care of babies or family members is plenty of responsibility for a deployment. (No judgement, I’ve been there!) Other people use the time to take a class, pursue a new hobby, explore the area around their duty station, or do something on their bucket list. When you are setting deployment goals, keep them realistic, but don’t short-change yourself. You will never get this time back, so you may as well get something from it.
There will be things to celebrate. My favorite deployment strategy is to always give yourself something to look forward to. It can be something simple like coffee with a friend or going for a walk in a different park. Or it can be something big like a trip you are looking forward to, or redecorating the house. I like to celebrate each month that passes. I also give myself a little pat on the back whenever I fix something that is broken or take care of an unexpected problem on my own. You can do that with a Post-It wall or just a social media post.
Your love is deployment strong. No matter the distance or the amount of time you get to communicate, you know that deployment will end and that your love will be stronger than ever. Ultimately, that is what gets you through the long months of the first deployment.
So hang in there, because you’ve got this! Get more deployment support and encouragement through my Deployment Masterclass.
Thanks for using the word “spouse.” As a military husband and reservist, it is much appreciated… my wife is on her 2nd deployment.
You’re absolutely welcome! I try to keep my articles relevant to all spouses and couples. I know that we all go through similar emotions and need support. Thank you for all of your sacrifices, and thanks to your wife for her service!
Yea it’s a bit tricky… my fiancée is currently deployed. It’s hard finding things to send because most of it is geared toward a man being deployed rather than a woman. Still, there’s enough stuff if you ditched enough.
Emotions- I guess they’re very similar no matter if it’s a husband or a wife.
It’s been almost 2 years after Roy’s post and it is relevant today in 2023.
Thank you. Simply put. I’m on day 1 of first deployment (he left yesterday) I’m reminding myself to not have the expectation of communication, but it is so hard waiting for the initial contact. Stupid Covid, that I am thankful for since he had to quarantine at home for two weeks (lots of time together), but makes it hard going from the all day to absolutely nothing. So thank you.
You’re welcome, I know this week will be a difficult adjustment. But you can do it, one step at a time! Allow yourself a few days to feel sad and lost, then start to make plans, get yourself together, set a schedule or routine, etc. Sending you some hugs!!!
Tomorrow will be the first day of the first deployment I have ever experienced. I have no idea what to expect and I’m trying to stay strong for my partner. I am so glad there are supportive places to go.
I would love to connect with other military girlfriends. i wonder sometimes if some of the emotions I feel are different because I am ‘just a girlfriend’. He has been deployed before and was married at the time, which also makes some of our communication & misunderstandings feel like his PTSD from her actions-if that makes sense.
I may be married to my airman but I understand what you mean. We just got married in August so this is our first deployment together. But, not his first deployment and his ex wife did him dirty while he was gone. I feel like I’m trying harder to let him know how much I love him and show him what he means to me with him being 7,000 miles away. With the distance and my feeling vulnerable and lonely miscommunication and misunderstandings are happening. I’m still trying to figure out how to overcome these feelings/moments. If you have any advice to help with that it would be so helpful. Also, I don’t think there’s such a thing as “just a girlfriend” the title doesn’t change what’s in your heart or how much you love him and how much he means to you. Never let anyone make you feel otherwise.
You can share email addresses here. Also, I invite each of you to join my FB support group for deployment, called Handle Deployment Like a Boss! There, you can connect with thousands of other military girlfriends and spouses all going through similar experiences: https://www.facebook.com/groups/211221019453281
April, I would love to connect. I am also a “girlfriend” (and a relatively new one at that) but this is hitting me like a ton of bricks.
Hi Maria, you are not alone and it can be really hard. But I think we all try to be strong for our spouses or boyfriends. I am also a girlfriend, and a new one. It is a rollercoaster of emotions. But that is ok. The main thing is you two love each other. Two days ago I met a friend. A male friend for lunch. We only meet a few times a year but he always really understands me, although we are very different people.
He said that he is jealous of what me and my bf have. He said this is the most difficult time for you both, but when you speak about him your face lights up and your eyes sparkle like I have never seen on you before…
I am sure, you are the same. And you are strong enough to get through this, and you will be back with your bf, like I will be back with mine.
Everything you feel is a beautiful sign of how much you two are in love. And that makes everything worth it.
Stay strong, lots of love and I hope all of our boyfriends/spouses are always safe.
Hi April and Emily,
I would love to connect, because I can relate to a lot you both say. My boyfriend is leaving on his first deployment since we met in 2 weeks, but sadly we have not been able to see each other for the last 5 months already due to training.
We are still at the start of our relationship and that maybe makes both of us more nervous about this.
We have gone from being so strong and happy, despite the long separation already, to him looking for faults and arguments all the time. He is the most beautiful and kind man, and all of a sudden he seems like a totally different person.
His ex girlfriend cheated on him while he was deployed. I am trying to reassure him every day how much I love him, but it feels like he is so sad and negative about us.
I am trying to be strong for him, but sometimes it feels like he is the only person who can get me through a bad day. But he does not want to talk or open up about his feelings or anything that we will have to get through while he is away at all.
I hope everyone on here is in a good place and that your spouses are all safe and good, and back home soon.
Lots of love to all
I had a whole response and I’ve somehow lost it, but I would love to find a way to connect with you!
Hi Emily, thanks so much for your response. I hope all is good.
I don’t know how we can connect outside this unless we share our email address on here which I assume is not allowed?
I am happy for the admin to pass on my email address to you if they can do so.
Let me know if you know a better way.
Have a lovely rest of the week, Sabine
You can share email addresses here. Also, I invite each of you to join my FB support group for deployment, called Handle Deployment Like a Boss! There, you can connect with thousands of other military girlfriends and spouses all going through similar experiences: https://www.facebook.com/groups/211221019453281
I’m very excited to be able to talk to you! My email is emily.dunkeson@gmail.com . You’re going to be the first MilSO I’ve really talked to since he’s left. However, I did make my first post last night on the FB group page. I felt not so alone reading things other people like us have shared.
You can share email addresses here. Also, I invite each of you to join my FB support group for deployment, called Handle Deployment Like a Boss! There, you can connect with thousands of other military girlfriends and spouses all going through similar experiences: https://www.facebook.com/groups/211221019453281
It feels so good to know we are supported. My husband is currently on his first deployment. We PCS’ed before he left, so we are now living in a city that it totally new to me. It definitely feels isolating at times, but I am going to use this time to focus on self-care and taking better care of myself.
Thanks for all the support!
You’re welcome, I’m here for you!