What is the rudest thing anyone has said to you as a military spouse? Being a military spouse can be a tough position. Not only do you put up with all the military craziness, but sometimes you hear rude or stupid comments from civilians, too. I recently asked my readers what were the stupid things people say to military spouses. The results are below. It will leave you wondering– do people actually think before these words come out of their mouth?
Many military spouses will hear some of these thoughtless comments at some point in their military life. But never fear, we have also included some snappy comebacks and responses. Don’t be afraid to speak up and defend your spouse’s military career from people who don’t understand it at all. Just make sure you don’t stoop to their level of name-calling.
19 stupid things people say to military spouses (and how to respond!)
1. “Stop complaining because you chose this life.”
- I chose to love, I did not choose this life.
- So you’re saying I can’t miss my husband because I knew he’d be gone sometimes?
2. “You knew what you were getting into when you signed up.”
- I didn’t sign up for the military. I “signed up” to love and support my spouse, to marry him and have a family with them.
3. Constant assumptions I cheat on my spouse when they are away: A manager once told me “well it’s good you don’t have kids. It’ll make it easier when you guys get a divorce for when either of you gets caught cheating.” Another reader wrote: When one of my friends and I (a gay guy friend of mine) had lunch “I can’t believe you’re married and on a date with someone else.”
- Just because you’ve watched Army Wives doesn’t mean we all cheat on our spouses!
- Every milspouse I know is way too busy working and taking care of children during deployment to have any time for cheating!
You can find encouragement for military life in my new book, “Open When: Letters of Encouragement for Military Spouses.” It’s a collection of letters written to YOU to inspire you through the common challenges of military life.
4. “You guys must be rich as you don’t have to pay medical bills or mortgage. They give you houses… daycare, insurance… army wives are basically entitled bitches.”
- Haha, we’re not rich. Our kids actually qualify for poverty-level food benefits. Do you even KNOW how much gear costs!!!???
- We pay for housing whether we live on or off base. On base they just take the rent directly from the service member’s paycheck.
5. “Moving is easy for you – you have packers.”
- Yep, it sure is simple moving to a new state every two or three years. You should try it!
6. “Did you marry him for his money?”
- No. He was a private (E-1) and I made more than he did at my job.
Did you marry him for his money? Stupid things people say to military spouses. Share on X
7. “He must not love you since he is gone a lot. My husband loves our kids too much to ever leave them like that.”
- Well mine loves ours AND YOURS so much he is willing to go to protect them.
8. “Why are you upset with him leaving for two years unaccompanied? You should be used to him being gone since he leaves for six months on a ship anyway.” Or “You were single before you met him so you can handle this first deployment…”
- It’s nowhere NEAR the same, just saying.
- Before I met him I was a high school student living at my parent’s house. Now I’m a mom of 2 kids living across the country. It’s going to be a little more challenging.
9. “Oh your spouse is deployed? I know how you feel because my husband’s travels a lot on business.”
- Nope, not the same thing. Does your husband get shot at during business trips? Is he only able to call once a month? Didn’t think so.
Deployments are just like business trips... dumb things milspouses are tired of hearing. Share on X
10. “Aren’t you worried he will die?” (asked during deployment, often in front of kids.)
- Yes, constantly, thanks so much for bringing it up.
- Sure, but I also know he has trained hard and the unit will do their best to bring everyone home.
11. “So you’re okay being married to someone who kills people?”
- Well, yes, that’s his job during a war. He hasn’t killed anyone on American soil!
- Be safe, sleep with a Marine.
12. A stranger in the commissary asked me how many dads my kids are from.
- Just one, and who the hell are you?
13. “Isn’t it nice to have a break from your spouse for awhile?” (During deployment)
- No it’s freaking not.
14. “I wish I could be an officer’s wife and sit around eating bonbons and not work.”
- I know some unemployed officer wives who homeschool, others who own their own business, and others who have a side hustle. I haven’t seen any bonbons though..
15. Branch rivalries: “USAF deployments are a walk on the beach compared to the Army deployments.” Or “The Coast Guard isn’t like the real military!”
- Save the branch rivalries for pissing contests. All military spouses feel the same pain and challenges during deployments.
16. “I couldn’t do what you do. You had so much potential. Now, you’re just a dependent. (Insert reference to a 1950’s housewife).”
- We never know what we’re capable of until we face each new challenge. I’m happy with our life.
- Or… just walk away.
17. Horrible bosses: “Congrats on your engagement, but I know it will affect your job since if he deploys you will join him.” “This business shouldn’t be at the mercy of the Navy due to your family’s emergency leave. You should plan better.”
- Laugh.
- Start looking for a new job.
18. When we told people we were military, they stopped smiling, turned their backs to me and walked away.
- Call after them, “You’re welcome! Have a nice day!”
19. “Being a military spouse is the hardest job in the military.”
- No, just no. Don’t say this.
We married young. At our first social at our first assignment, 3 months after we married, I was asked why I wasn’t pregnant yet.
Wow. Sometimes people simply do not think before they speak!
I love when non military spouses try to compare their husband’s week long business trip with a deployment. Drives me insane.
Right? Because they’re clearly the same thing. Almost.
I get this a lot “it will be over before you know it!” Or “if you get some other hobbies or work more, it will just fly by and he will be home before you know it”
Ugh, yes. Deployment goes by soooo fast… for everyone except the spouse who is actually going through it!
My husband was deployed and I continued to regularly take our 2 very young children to church. We had been attending, as a family, for about a year before the deployment. One of the Deacons asked me “Why doesn’t your husband attend church?” I replied, “He’s on a military deployment now, and we’re regular members here”. The man continued saying, ” Your husband must not care about your children, since he doesn’t attend church with his family.”
Ugh, that is so frustrating! So sorry you had to hear that type of judgement.
Sadly heard a few of these. Have even heard another spouse say “they knew what they signed up for, they need to stop being so dependent on their husbands” when I mentioned I felt bad for a spouse who just got to our base and her husband deployed a couple weeks later. (I can also remember her feeling sad her husband was gone recently as well). Where’s the compassion and understanding? Especially since every spouse has different challenges and we can all relate in some way or another.
Kinda tired of hearing things bout how my gf is in the army and so that makes me not a man. Also kinda tired of everything being the man should be in the army and the woman should stay home. Especially when it comes from military wives. Like she isn’t serving the same as your husband. It’s amazing how much military wives complain but are so quick to put my gf or myself down. I wait for her to come home just like you wait for him. She’s just as important to the army as your husband is. Maybe some military wives should join the army and learn a little respect.
That’s understandable. Military significant others or anyone daring a female service member have always been upset and left out of conversations not using inclusive language. On my page, I try to say spouse instead of husband or wife, and I always welcome anyone dating a service member.
I understand this. My wife is in the Navy and just left on her deployment. I have been very fortunate to have the support that i do from programs, and from friends that i have made along the way. What I can’t stand are all the dumb comments i get from friends saying, “oh i bet you meet a lot of ‘lonely wives’ when your wife is gone”. Gimme a break. Just because some people have a lack of self control, doesn’t mean the rest of us do. We’re just trying to get by, and hope we can see our spouses sooner than later and be together as a family.
Yes, thank you for that, those stereotypes dont help anyone. And best wishes to you for strength and support during deployment.
Worse I heard was that I didn’t need a man in my life. This was a supervisor talking to me after husband was deployed.
Thank your husband for his service and sacrifice for me. Then there was the man who pushed between me and my husband, turn his back on me, shake his hand and thanked him for his service and sacrifice.
A civilian resilience trainer said between sessions — “Well, you just aren’t worth it.” I had asked about getting better medical care for family members who are stationed at remote hardship tours.
An AFAP representative told me that families don’t accompany the service member on hardship remote tours after I told him that we had just returned from our third hardship tour in eight years.
At a base sponsored hiring event for service members, veterans, retirees, and spouses, a corporate hiring representative asked me, “Well, what exactly have you been doing for all these years? It’s not like you worked or anything.”
I had just finished over four years working for State Dept at US Embassies.
A flag officer pulled me aside during attache training and said, “You are aware that you have a job to do also….You’d better be ready to put in 120%….If you’re not willing to do that, I’ll pull your husband and put someone else in that job….Oh, and you know that you don’t get paid, don’t you?”
Best thing ever said to me: “Wow! You’re not like any officer’s wife I’ve ever met.” And, really sad.
Best thing ever said to me: “Wow! You’re not like any officer’s wife I’ve ever met.” And, really sad.
Thank you and your spouse for your military service and for protecting us. Sure you’ve heard these things and people are dolts.