The problem: You and your military boyfriend want to marry young. Keep reading because: you want to know how to handle those who say you’re too young to marry!
How to tell if you should marry young in the military
I don’t believe there is a magical “right age” to get married. As a military spouse who got engaged at age 19, after less than a year of dating, I totally understand the young couple who feels that they are mature and truly in love. I was there, and had that fight with my parents. Long distance relationships suck, and we never know how long our service member will survive, so we want to make the most of every day with them. It’s natural to want to marry young.
BUT… as a military spouse who dated my husband for 7 YEARS and didn’t get married until age 25, I also understand the benefits of waiting. My boyfriend waited while I finished college. Then I waited for him to finish some deployments. I have been the young teenager in love with a military man, fighting with my parents about whether he was a worthy husband. And I have also been the college graduate who asked my boyfriend to wait a little longer, because I refused to spend the first year of marriage living alone in the middle of the desert. In the end, we didn’t marry young. We married at age 25.
“I have been the young teenager in love with a military man. And I have been the college graduate asking my boyfriend to wait a little longer, because I didn’t want to live in the middle of the desert.” ~The Seasoned Spouse
When I encourage young military couples to wait to get married, it’s not because I’m judging them. It’s because I want them to succeed! I have seen firsthand the struggles that young military couples face. Military life is challenging at any age, but it is WAY harder when you are young. How do you know if you and your service member are too young to get married?
You should not marry young into the military if:
1. You don’t have a driver’s license
Go ahead and laugh, but I have met too many young spouses who never got a driver’s license. When their spouse deploys, this is a real problem. Sure, neighbors and other military spouses are sometimes willing to give you a ride. But married life will be easier if you get a driver’s license before you leave home.
2. You can’t cook
There is a legend on our base called “The Cheeseburger Story.” A military wife walked into the family center and said, “My husband is deployed, and I’m out of cheeseburgers. What do I do now?” The confused receptionist learned that the husband had thoughtfully stocked the freezer before he deployed. He bought hundreds of McDonald’s double cheeseburgers, so the wife could have one for lunch and dinner each day he was gone. Apparently, he miscalculated, and she had no idea how to cook for herself!
Don’t be that wife. You don’t need to be a chef, but knowing how to make healthy meals, prepare a grocery budget, and plan time to cook are basic adult skills you should learn before marriage. No adult should eat fast food for every meal.
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3. You think you know each other perfectly
No matter how long you date someone, you don’t know everything. We met at 18, and dated for seven YEARS. Even after all those phone calls and letters and plane flights, there were still some surprises when we married. Like, I had no idea how much time he spent playing video games, and how many gaming hobbies he would return to from his Middle School years. He didn’t hide those things, I just wasn’t looking for them or expecting them, so they were never mentioned.
And there were many things I did not know about the military, even though I dated him through Boot Camp and three combat deployments. We both grew and changed a lot during those years. There were times I was sure we were meant for each other, and times when I questioned if the military had changed him into someone I couldn’t marry. I’m glad I took the time to be sure, so that I don’t have regrets or doubts.
4. Your significant other is your only friend
My husband is my best friend, no question. But the years we spent dating long distance gave me a chance to pursue hobbies, make other friends, and become a strong person on my own. During his 7 deployments, those skills have kept me going. Waiting to get married helped me learn who I am without my husband. When you leave everything to follow someone, you risk losing yourself and blaming them.
“If you leave everything to follow someone, you can lose yourself and blame them.” ~The Seasoned Spouse
5. You have no money saved
Marriage is easier when you aren’t fighting over ever dollar in the joint account. Right now, are you each paying all your own bills? Do you have your own car? The first few enlisted ranks in the military have a brutal paycheck. It is barely enough to support a spouse, and not enough to support a new baby. If you wait a few years, you can each work and save, which will give you a better foundation for your marriage and family.
6. You have no job.
Getting a job will be even harder as a military spouse. 90% of military spouses are unemployed or underemployed! Frequent moves, employer military bias, and limited local job offers mean the deck is stacked against you. One big reason I didn’t marry my husband right after boot camp was because he was sent to 29 Palms (the middle of the Mojave Desert). There were no job opportunities for me there.
Instead of sitting in base housing being dependent, we agreed it was important for me stay near my family and work at a job I loved. This was a great distraction and support system during his deployments. Having my own income gave me freedom to make big decisions after we married, like buying a house and getting my Master’s Degree.
7. You have no degree
If you don’t have a college degree, you are severely limiting your job options. I know it feels really tempting to quit school and move to your fiancé right now. Please believe me: life will NOT get any easier after you are married!
The military moves you around a lot, which makes some programs and certifications a real challenge. I finished my Bachelor’s before we married. I started my Master’s degree online when I was pregnant with our first child. It took several years because of deployments and more babies. Now, when he retires from the military, I can support the family while he looks for a civilian job. Or if something happens to him, I will be able to support our children.
I know how exciting it is to be engaged, and how hard it is to wait to be together! But I see so many young military couples struggle, because they weren’t really adults when they married. Honestly, you have nothing to lose from a little more time of long-distance dating. But you have a lot to gain from waiting: financial stability, education, emotional growth, and basic adult skills. If you feel like people are judging you for wanting to marry young, maybe they actually are trying to help you. We all want you to succeed and have a happy military marriage!
This is great advice!
Although I only scored a 2/7 when I got married as a teenager and I’m going on 16 years now :P.
I think the willingness to put in the time and effort and sweat and blood to make it work trumps all the age and preparations. It’s not common in the Canadian Forcesto get married young and since getting married at 19 I’ve watched a ton of ‘later’ marriages crumble around me. More than a few in the first year, even when they had waited until the ‘right time’ to get married.
So I figure it’s part planning and a much bigger part determination :).
Hi, thanks so much for sharing your experience! Yes, you’re right, there is no magical age or success formula. I like how you said it takes ‘time and effort and sweat and blood to make it work.’ That is so true for any age. Congrats on your 16 years, that’s awesome!
My 18 yr old daughter is and her love are like the most amazing cutest couple..he went into the navy after graduation and they survived bootcamp and we even went to graduation and now he is in A school and seems to have decided that my daughter even though he absolutely doesnt want to tell her to but said she should move on and that he cant give her what she deserves and will want right now…my daughter is brokenhearted and really just wanted to at least attempt to try to work it out even though she knew the chances of getting hurt..the whole time through boot camp and even the 2 weeks hes been in a school he has done nothing but tell her he loves her and want her to be there at every opportunity he had for family to come..why would he just do a 180 like that and if he loves her why couldnt they work it out and try ..
I am 19 and going through the exact same thing right now with someone who is in the Army… :/
So I have a long and interesting story. My fiance is planning on joining the Air Force. Though it doesn’t start there. We started dating a couple of months ago and his grandparents hate me. The reason why? I’m black, well I’m mixed actually. But they only see black when it comes to me. They’re racist and that’s just hard in genral. So from the beginning our relationship hasn’t been easy but we’re happy overall. So his grandparents don’t want him seeing and he decided to join the Air Force and I’m like that’s awesome. His grandparents are fine with that mostly because he couldn’t see me anymore. Lo and behold he proposed to and i said yes. And joining the service is something he talked about before and so it isn’t a new thing. It’s just I feel like our relationship has been through alot already and i don’t know how things would work our now. He’s 20, he’ll be 21 in april and I just turned 19
Hi Makala, glad you found this site, but I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been treated that way. Congratulations on your relationship and your engagement! I’ll be honest– joining the military rarely makes a relationship easier. It may remove you from the drama with his grandparents, but there will certainly be new and additional challenges after he joins, such as moving to a new base, spending lots of time apart during training and deployments, you finding work at each new assignment, etc. If joining the military is something that you both agree on because of the overall benefits, then go ahead and support his dream and do what you can to increase your education and work options. Just know that it is going to challenge you and have difficult times when you need to lean on friends and family for support. But if he is joining the military to get you away from his family, well, that doesn’t always solve relationship problems. Often, after Basic Training, service members have a strong incentive to get married because then you can live with him and he gets a Housing Allowance, and you would be covered by his health insurance. But getting married right away isn’t always the best for you, especially if you are trying to go to college or get established in a career. There’s nothing wrong with dating long distance for a time so that you will both be more stable when you do get married. Make sure getting married is the right thing and the right time for both of you.
Yeah, with him being away so much is going to be a challenge. Even know I don’t see him that much and it’s hard. It’s just alot.
Hi! This was so informative, and very well written. I’ve been doing research upon research upon research. I’m currently working a full-time job and attending community college while my boyfriend attends his schooling for the Marines. We’re both 18 currently and have had a plan since before bootcamp, we’ve spoken about all the things that we need to be prepared for and all the possible outcomes, good and bad. We want to get married when we turn 19 and we believe this is the best decision for us. We know that it will be difficult with finances, housing, distance, and work schedules. At the end of the day we know that we want to grow as a married couple and do anything and everything in our power to make it work. This will be a difficult process but we are making steps everyday to prepare for this life. Although we are young and the military forces people to grow up, we feel we are ready to face anything that comes our way. If you have any tips, that would be amazing! Thank you!
Hi Madeline,
Thanks for reading, and I’m so glad you found this helpful. Yes, there will be times when military life is not easy. But if you go into it with your eyes open knowing some of the challenges that are ahead of you, then it will be easier for you and your service member to discuss them and work things out. I wish you both great happiness! 🙂
Hi I need advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years almost 4. Were both 18 right now. He’s in boot camp and we’ve been making everything work so far. We don’t really like the whole long distance even tho we practically were in part of our relationship before . Now that we’re adults we really just want to move on to the next step. We wanna get married at 19 and I can go with him to his first deployment. I do online school and have a job. I’ve had to grow up at a young age and he kinda had to too. Is this a good step to follow or do you think it’s best to keep waiting?
Hi Kianna,
Of course I can’t tell you what to do, since I don’t know you or your boyfriend. But in general it’s wusecto think about some of the questions from the article. Military life means a lot of time on your own, even when you love with the service member. He will be away for various reasons, and when you marry him and move to his base you will leave behind your family, friends, job, support system. So think about how prepared you are to live alone: will you have trouble finding a job in a new location? Do you have money saved to support yourself? Are you comfortable cooking, cleaning, and paying bills by yourself when there is no other adult around in the house? Are you strong and independent enough to handle new situations where you don’t have friends nearby? Do you rely on your boyfriend for emotional support, or do you know how to take care of yourself on bad days? If you are ready for all that, you may be ready for the challenges of a military marriage.
Hi!
My boyfriend just got out of BMT and now he’s soon to be in tech. We’ve been in a long relationship for a while and he mentions marriage. Of course I love him and I’ll do anything for him as he would to me. Naturally I say yes because I mean it with all my heart. But I had set out a goal for me. To go through school and nursing programs and such. And he tells me he would like me to move in with him asap and I can transfer schools and what not. But after reading your articles I have many qualities. but I also lack some. I know there will be struggles and we’re both ready and strong to face them hand to hand. I dont know what to think and say when it comes to school and him. I wanna get my degree and get my job but I also wanna be and live with him. I want to make him happy and be the best of the best. I’m willing to put up all the extreme work.
Do you have any advice?
Hi Kayla,
It’s definitely a difficult decision, I understand that! A nursing career is sometimes a great fit for a military spouse, because it can be portable between different duty stations. But there are also many times when it’s difficult to get work,even with a nursing degree. I ALWAYS recommend focusing on personal development and career certifications before getting married. Having a degree or a career option is always better than not having the option to pursue work. As difficult as it is to wait, professionally it is usually better to ensure you finish your degree or have the ability to complete all your degree certifications before you relocate to join your service member.
Hi!
My bf and I got engaged a month before he left to be stationed in Japan. He will be there for the next 3 years. Currently he is on deployment. So far I’ve been good at handling the distance and communication change but recently he mentioned to me about wanting to wait to get married as he feels he is not ready and although I understand his reasonings (we dated for about 7 months before getting engaged) I am having a hard time agreeing with his statement. Although we’ve been together almost a year now (I’ve known him for over 10 years), I’m really scared of what can happen within that waiting period especially the thought of never seeing him again afterwards. To add onto it my dad was recently diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer and the idea of him not giving me away or being there to see me get married breaks my heart. I told him that if our circumstances were different I would not mind waiting but because we are in the circumstances we are in I am having a hard time agreeing with how he feels. Normally, I would support him in everything he wants to do and thinks etc but this is just one thing I cannot seem to budge on and everyone tells me I should wait but I also feel that no one is really seeing my perspective or understanding my feelings about the situation. Any advice would be greatly welcomed and appreciated as I want to resolve this with him cause I love him so much.